


Take it all Back, Erase and Rewind

by Finduilas



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: 2.20, Angst, Coda, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-20
Updated: 2012-04-20
Packaged: 2017-11-05 15:29:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finduilas/pseuds/Finduilas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve leaves and it’s hell on Danny. And when he comes back, Danny isn’t convinced it’s any easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take it all Back, Erase and Rewind

**Author's Note:**

> Beta’d by iam_space. Title from _Knight in Shining Armour_ , by Glenn Claes.

Danny isn't angry. He truly isn't. He should've expected it, really.   
  
With Steve, these things are always within the realm of possibility. He's known for a long time now that one day, Steve might not come home. One day, Danny might have to go on without him. He's known this. But somehow it doesn't make it any easier to accept that Steve just left and all Danny has to show for it is the letter in his hand.   
  
Danny looks at it for at least the fifteenth time today, and he tries to process that this might be the last thing he has of Steve. This letter in his hand. This envelope with the word ‘Danno’ written on it.   
  
And then Danny's mind drifts and thinks that maybe Steve has a will. Surely he does. Maybe Danny's mentioned in it? He doesn't want money, or Steve's truck, or whatever. He doesn’t want any of that. He guesses he just wants to know that he's been in Steve's thoughts, that he has mattered. Danny has left a note to Grace in his own will. He's had it forever, and lately he's been thinking he needs to leave Steve one as well. There are things that just shouldn't be left unsaid, but is it really fair to spring them all on Steve when Danny isn’t there anymore? Then again, maybe Steve just completely cut off the possibility of having these things out in the open by leaving? And shouldn’t Danny be just a little bit angry for that?   
  
He has his phone in his hand but Steve never picks up and somehow he can't seem to bring himself to leave a message on a voice mail. He tries, but the words get stuck in his throat and all that comes out is a hitched sob, and yeah, maybe Danny  _is_  angry – just a little bit. Maybe he doesn’t want to leave a piece of his heart on a voice message that may or may not get heard.   
  
He goes through the motions and Chin and Kono have stopped trying to talk to him about Steve. Danny thinks he must look like a grieving widow whenever they bring it up because he knows that face Kono is giving him; he's seen that face before and it was always directed at next of kin. Danny doesn’t ever want it to come to that. Not that.   
  
And then one day Steve is back, and it seems so unreal to Danny that he isn’t quite sure what to do. Kono and Chin nearly fly into Steve’s arms – all smiles; but Danny just gives him a pat on the shoulder and a grim “Nice of you to show up”, ‘cause where the hell was Steve’s “I’ll be in touch” when Danny needed it? Steve swallows and looks at Danny and Danny tries hard not to focus on the butterfly stitches over Steve’s eyebrow, or the bruise on his jaw, or the cut on his lip, or the way he’s holding his body so that Danny’s pretty damn sure he must have some cracked ribs.   
  
“You got what you needed?” Danny asks, but he doesn’t recognize his own voice. It sounds too cold, too detached.   
  
Steve’s eyes stay fixed on him, and after a while he just lets out a quiet, “Yeah.”   
  
“Good for you,” Danny mumbles, then turns his back on Steve and walks towards the tech table.   
  
He’s sure he’s got three sets of eyes looking at him curiously, but he tries to shake it off and pulls up a file on the screens.   
  
“Let’s get cracking on this case then, shall we?” Danny says, avoiding looking at Steve because he’s not sure he can actually manage to truly look at him right now. He is sure that he loves Steve, but in this moment he just isn’t sure he likes him a whole lot.   
  
“Danny, don’t you-” Kono starts, but Steve cuts her off as he drops his bag to the floor and walks up to the tech table as well. “No, Danny’s right. There’s a case, we should get to it.”   
  
Danny is relieved as Chin starts to fill Steve in on their latest string of burglaries. He’s even relieved when he finally finds himself alone in his car that evening, after begging off Steve’s offer to have some beers at his place. There’s a knot in his stomach that he’s sure a couple of beers with Steve wouldn’t get rid of.  
  
Danny snorts when he’s sitting on his couch that night – yes, with a beer, so sue him – and presses ‘decline’ when Steve calls him. Somehow, though, the feeling of getting even with Steve doesn’t satisfy him the way he thought it would.   
  
Steve doesn’t mention the phone call the next day, and neither does Danny. They get right back to work, and Danny does his best to act like before. Before the letter. Before Steve left. Before Danny thought that someone he loves so much might be dead and buried in some godforsaken place that he’s never even heard of and he might never know the truth.   
  
Before.   
  
So Danny smiles at Steve at all the appropriate times, and even makes it seem convincing. He pats Steve on the shoulder a few times, even tries to make a joke about him pulling another disappearing act, and he tries even harder not to notice the way Steve looks at him.   
  
“Hey, Danny…” Steve starts, and his voice is soft and hesitant as he corners Danny by the doorway of his office.   
  
“Look, Steve, it’s fine,” Danny says quickly, because there’s no mistaking what Steve wants to talk about and Danny just can’t handle that right now. He can compose himself just fine, but he’s not  _that_  good an actor.   
  
“I didn’t mean to…” Steve tries again, but Danny has one hand on the handle of his door and the other on Steve’s shoulder, cutting him off.   
  
“You did what you had to,” Danny says, focusing on a point past Steve’s shoulder. “And you did it without me. It’s fine. Whatever.”   
  
And Danny disappears into his office and closes the blinds because nothing screams professionalism like trying not burst out in sobs in front of your colleagues.   
  
A week goes by and Danny thinks he’s fine. It’s okay. He can act normal around Steve again and not have it to be hardest thing he’s ever had to do. He shoves away the fact that Steve left with nothing but a letter to the back of his mind and focuses on the fact that he’s back. He’s alive. He didn’t actually get himself killed. Things are back to normal.   
  
Of course things aren’t, and Steve seems to know it, too, or why else would he be knocking on Danny’s door in the middle of the night – alright, eleven-thirty, but it’s still  _late_  – when all the lights are out and Danny said he’d see Steve the next day?   
  
Danny sighs as he drags his feet over to the front door, his hair astray and wearing pajama bottoms and a shirt. He opens the door just a few inches, enough to look at Steve as he leans his head against the doorframe.   
  
“Go home, Steve,” Danny sighs, put-upon.   
  
“Dann…” Steve says and blocks the door with his palm as Danny tries to close it in his face.   
  
Not angry.   
  
He’s not angry.   
  
He’s just… He can’t deal with this right now.   
  
“I didn’t think you had a problem with leaving,” Danny says, and it’s a cheap shot that’s out before he knows it and he didn’t mean to say it at all.   
  
“You’re angry,” Steve states as Danny steps back and lets Steve open the door and come in.   
  
“’m not…” Danny mutters, shaking his head.   
  
“… and you have every right to be,” Steve continues, and something inside Danny just snaps.   
  
“I’m not angry, alright? I’m not!” Danny says, his voice strained. “I’m not even surprised. You did this to me before, remember?”   
  
“That was different,” Steve tries to reason, “Jenna…”   
  
“Jenna died,” Danny says, and it’s effective enough to get Steve to shut up for a second. “And you nearly joined her. And yet you keep doing this, over and over again…”   
  
“You’re acting like I’m off on these missions every other week, Danny,” Steve says, and Danny half expects him to roll his eyes. ‘cause what’s a little life-threatening mission for a Navy SEAL, right?   
  
“It only takes once to die, Steve!” Danny barks.   
  
Danny thinks he sees Steve flinch for a second, but the room is still half dark and Steve composes himself quickly and says, “And what? I should’ve taken you with me? Risk having you die, too?”   
  
“Yes!” Danny calls out, because he means it, dammit. “I would have you not take off at all, actually. Maybe take into account the people you’re leaving behind here, but if that is such an impossible task for you to do – to actually think about  _me_  for a change, then  _yes_ , you should’ve taken me with you. At least I’d have known if you were dead or alive. And I’m good back-up, if nothing else.”  
  
Steve freezes for a second, squinting his eyes at Danny, lips slightly parted.   
  
“What the hell are you talking about?” he almost whispers, and that  _face_ , God, that face. Danny just can’t stand it.   
  
“Just…” Danny sighs, his shoulders hanging. He’s not sure he has the energy for this anymore. “Just leave, Steve.”  
  
“I can’t,” Steve says, firm, and isn’t that just typical?   
  
“Steve…”   
  
“The way you’ve been around me since I’ve been back.” Steve shakes his head. “I know I deserve it, but I don’t want it to go on anymore.”  
  
“I haven’t given you any grief since you’ve been back, Steve,” Danny says, “What are you talking about? I’ve been treating you like normal.”   
  
“That’s just it,” Steve says, “You normal… it isn’t normal!”  
  
And Steve will just have to excuse Danny if he pulls a face at that.   
  
“I don’t want you treating me like any other colleague!” Steve says, “I come back from this, after leaving you a letter. I come back battered and you act like I’ve just gone on a breakfast run? I wanted you to yell at me! I wanted you to threaten to handcuff me to my chair so you’d know I wouldn’t disappear again! I wanted you to… I don’t know.  _Something_ .”  
  
“You wanted me to fall apart, Steve?” Danny asks, gritting the words through his teeth. “’cause it took me  _everything_  to stop that from happening. I can’t do this. You made your choices, you decided to disappear on us, on me. That was your call. And for all I knew, you were dead.”   
  
“And so, what?” Steve asks, and maybe Steve is just a little bit angry as well. “You think I’m dead and you just… what? Nothing changes?”  
  
“Don’t you dare do that!” Danny barks out, finger pointed at Steve and it takes all he has not to shove Steve away from him. “I can’t keep living my life in fear you’re going to get yourself killed! I need to protect myself somehow. I need to stop myself from falling apart. You have no idea what it is that you did to me. You want me to yell? Scream at you? Call you a few colorful names and then we just forget about it all and pretend it’s all good? I was in fucking stages of grief, you selfish bastard. I was thinking about wills and that letter being the last thing you left me. I was thinking how I couldn’t leave a fucking voicemail on your phone ‘cause I couldn’t live with never knowing if you’d gotten it or not. If you’d ever know…”   
  
Danny turns away, his breathing harsh, eyes squeezed shut as he tries to stop the tears from spilling. He’s not sure Steve deserves them.   
  
“I couldn’t answer your calls, I…” Steve says, and he’s standing so close to Danny now, hovering over Danny’s shoulder but not daring to touch.   
  
“You couldn’t even say goodbye,” Danny whispers, then snorts to himself as he mutters, “Mahalo…”   
  
“It was never meant to be a goodbye, Danny,” Steve says.   
  
“It could’ve been.”   
  
“If I don’t say goodbye,” Steve says, “Then I  _have_  to come back. ‘cause I just can’t… I can’t.”   
  
“When are you going to get it through your thick skull that you’re not invincible?” Danny asks, facing Steve again. “That you  _can_  die? That me as back-up isn’t just some neat phrase you can put in your reports to make it all nice and clean for the Governor?”  
  
“You don’t understand, Danno. Shelbur…” Steve starts.   
  
“Is your past!” Danny snaps. “It is not more important than your life. It is not more important than…”   
  
He cuts off and shakes his head sadly.   
  
“It is not more important than you,” Steve finishes for him, and while it takes Danny by surprise to hear Steve say that, he still can’t help replying, “Apparently it is.”  
  
Steve is quiet for a second, standing there only mere inches from Danny. Not moving. Not speaking. Danny isn’t even sure he’s breathing.   
  
Then he’s moving towards the couch, sits down and buries his head in his hands and sighs.   
  
“Shelburne is over. It’s dealt with. Done,” Steve whispers, “But it was never more important than you. Very few things are.”   
  
“That’s bullshit,” Danny breathes out, and he can barely hear himself over the blood rushing in his ears.   
  
“You have no idea, Danno…”   
  
“I’m so important to you that you leave without me? Without even telling me?” Danny shakes his head, ‘cause he’s refusing to believe that Steve actually said… “With a ‘hey Danny, take care of the office while I’m gone’? Why not a ‘water the plants’ while you’re at it?”   
  
“Did you ever stop to think that the reason I left you that crappy letter is the same reason you couldn’t leave me a voicemail?” Steve asks, head snapping up.   
  
And Danny clenches his jaw, ‘cause he’s not actually sure what to say to that.   
  
“I wasn’t planning on never coming back to you, Danny,” Steve explains. “I would never…”   
  
Steve sighs once more, pushes himself off the couch and steps right into Danny’s personal space, looks him straight in the eye and says, “I would never purposefully leave you. Never.”   
  
Danny lets out a puff of air, “You have a funny way of showing it.”   
  
Steve lets out a weak smile. “I have been known to be called ‘emotionally stunted’…”   
  
“You don’t say,” Danny tries to match Steve’s smile. It’s difficult, but he manages.  
  
“Danny…?” Steve asks, his hand coming up but freezing before it touches Danny’s cheek. “What did you want to say on the voicemail?”   
  
Danny ducks his head, brushing against Steve’s hand in the process and Steve doesn’t pull away. He just lets his fingers linger against Danny’s jawline.   
  
“That’s not fair…” Danny says, because hell, he  _wants_  to be angry now, but somehow Steve is making it impossible. He wants to break away and tell Steve to leave because there’s no way he can live with a partner like this. No way he can love a man that might pack up and go on a deadly mission any given day. But no way can he actually stop himself loving Steve. Too late.  
  
“I need some assurances,” Danny says. His head is still ducked and he’s swaying slightly back and forth, toying with the idea of letting his forehead rest against Steve’s chest.   
  
“I can’t change who I am,” Steve says, and Danny can’t help but feel it as a rejection.   
  
But then Steve’s fingers are warm and flat against Danny’s neck, and his thumb is stroking Danny’s cheek and he says, “But I think I can learn to take someone else into account. Because I hear you, Danny. And I don’t want to do this to you again.”   
  
Danny nods, finally giving into the urge to lean on Steve as he rests his head against Steve’s collarbone.   
  
“You know what I wanted to say,” he says softly, because isn’t it just painfully obvious by now?   
  
Danny can feel Steve nod his head, chin resting on top of Danny’s hair. “It’s what I couldn’t write in the letter…”  
  
“Aren’t we a pathetic pair?” Danny smiles with a huff.   
  
“A perfect match, I’d say,” Steve replies, without missing a beat.   
  
Danny hums in agreement, the warmth and comfort of Steve’s arms closing around him reassuring him.   
  
“You’re exhausted,” Steve mumbles, cheek against Danny’s hair.   
  
“Exhausted or exhausting?” Danny says, reluctant to ever step out of Steve’s embrace.   
  
“Maybe both, but mainly the first one,” Steve says, tightening his arms around Danny’s frame a bit.   
  
Danny doesn’t argue, his arms still at his side, like he can’t quite give in just yet.   
  
“We have to talk about this,” he mumbles, pressing his body just a little bit closer to Steve’s.   
  
“I know,” Steve says.   
  
“’cause this isn’t over. We need to…” Danny starts.   
  
“I know,” Steve repeats. “We will. I promise. Just… you need to sleep, okay?”   
  
Danny nods, reluctantly stepping out of the cocoon of Steve’s warmth, and Steve looks at him with that  _face_ . That face that says he’s laying his feelings out for the entire world to see, and Danny can’t find a single shred of anger inside himself anymore.   
  
“We’ll talk tomorrow, yeah?” Steve asks, pushing back a stray strand of blond hair.   
  
“Yeah,” Danny nods, and then Steve whispers ‘goodbye’ and reluctantly heads for the door.   
  
“Hey…” Danny smiles, wrapping his fingers gingerly around Steve’s wrist. “Where are you going?”   
  
“I…” Steve stammers, pointing towards the door.   
  
Danny shakes his head, pulls Steve with him towards the bedroom in silence. Steve toes off his shoes, and Danny nods toward the cargoes, which Steve dutifully removes as well, leaving him in his boxers and shirt.   
  
“Just promise me one thing?” Danny asks as he crawls into bed, his eyes already closed as Steve slips in behind him.   
  
Steve hums questioningly in response.   
  
“Promise me it’ll be you here in the morning and not a ‘Dear Danno’ letter,” Danny says.   
  
“Promise…” Steve mutters against Danny’s lips, dipping down for the ghost of a kiss.   
  
“That’s something at least,” Danny whispers, turning into Steve’s embrace as he drifts off.   
  
Because maybe they haven’t quite figured it out yet, and maybe he won’t be able to keep Steve grounded forever, but Steve is willing to talk and think of Danny before he acts, and that’s something at least.


End file.
